Certain traits in humans have a tendency to bring out the best in them. The few positive chemicals and elements they are made up of. Revealed are those first impressions upon the exhibition of such traits, namely self-confidence, easy to work/ get along with, fun-loving, socially viable, and aggression in the right notes. The crux of it all however, needs to be fastened on to holding one’s ground. Irrespective of the circumstance. Regardless of the conditions. Because when days pass by, conversations turn more meaningful. Social quotient gets introduced into the picture. Of course, this is privy to the fact that the discussions hit right from the word ‘go’. Here is where there spurts an urge to keep up. A craving to know what new dawns and tomorrows will hold. A yearning to experience the future that brings in anxious trepidations. And it is here that the need to hold on to one’s integrity with an air of tranquility becomes key. Professionally and personally.
For after this excitement, there paves the route to downfall. As enter into the equation anxiousness, the need to cling on, and keep proving oneself ‘interesting’ enough. The vulnerability and irony of it all.
In the process of playing ‘catch-up’ and ‘know-it-all’, the positivity starts wearing out. Weaknesses emerge, mixed emotions splurge out, turnoffs surface and judgements pout. Questions begin playing scrabble. While there exist those responses that earn a downright Triple Word score as “Hey, this is who I am – take it or leave it”, it is more often than not that we find ourselves in the Single Letter scoring zone. Responses to questions almost never get rewarded. The worst case? Score yourself based on each of the letters. These include responses that bind themselves in the zone of insecurity. Of answers bundled in deserted corners. That feeling of being left alone on one fine morning, more so, without an explanation. That fear of being unchaperoned seeps through combining with the dread of that prison-like solitary confine. The once-upon-a-time welcoming days now turn into a meaningless trite. It is like being stripped off from one’s identity – your own, in fact. And just like that, without warning, you are deprived of a shoulder that you could once lean on. Of a backup that you could once count on even when in the middle of that game of hide-n-seek. It is like you want to serve tea to your guests, but you find yourself with the accompanying condiments. Where is damn liquid, and the serving cups?
That feeling of being possessed, which would ease out provided the screen lit up just once more. Even if it is a missed call on your request. That sense of solicitude that would make things at work easier – just the way they were. Even if requires a response to a question that was asked two days ago. You sit and pick your teeth with a sodden toothpick, wondering what you did to get on their wrong side. You think about the time that was invested in creating those bonds. In the months that coupled into years, all that you should have ideally been through is to move forward. And here you are, still stuck on reviewing and sending out sodding emails. Angst replaces disquiet. Given the chance, you would think they do not deserve any better than a knockout punch, with all might and inelegance you can muster into yourself. You would shake them by the collar and wake them up from their stupor. You would yell at them. Long and hard. With expletives. Without expletives. Irrationally and irrevocably. For all the time, effort and energy you invested into them, they made you feel like the dung stuck on the sole of their shoe.
What is the meaning of having to prove of your worth to someone who decides to give you a skip at the snap of a finger? Why would you want to demean your own self by agreeing to niceties over and over? Why would you want to get away to green pastures only as a manner to let out your suffocation you have been through all this while? Why would you want to cry your heart out in a room that is visible to none, and one that is without a phone connection? Why would you want to come across as clingy and desperate, when all you were looking for was a hassle-free relation? Is giving in not easier? Is keeping everyone satisfied really all that authentic and worth surviving for? Your agenda has never been a priority to anyone. Why reprioritise for such vermin? You have been nothing but a climbing step for those who took you for granted. A lost puppy, who everyone rushed to cuddle, but nobody took back home. The ball that everyone willed to pass while the music was on, but nobody wanted to be found with as soon as it was turned out.
Kicked, pushed, passed and rolled. Dirtied in the mud with, slimed like a goofball and dunked into the hoop whenever someone wished to score.
You want to sink, and you want to sink in until you drown. You want to drown, and you want to drown in until your lungs choke for air. Your lungs want to choke for air, until you fall short of breath. You want to fall short of breath, until your arms flail about. You want to flail your arms, until you hit rockbottom. You want to hit rockbottom, until you can no longer fight. You want to no longer fight, until you are back up on the surface. Only to stay afloat and lifeless.